Paranoia / Paranoid

Fucking paranoia. Fucking paranoid. Fuck my mind to have such fucking brilliant memory. I seriously hoped I could just wipe off whatever memory that fucks me up whenever I tried to sleep.

I knew I shouldn't have watched that forsaken suicidemouse.avi. Kind of regret to not listening to whatever Kin said. Though he said it just gives the creeps, and I didn't bother to care whether he was lying or not. Well, to me it was hell after then.  

Now I'm freaking paranoid that I couldn't even sleep and even feel at ease. Edgy, recoiled and pathetic I am everytime the clock struck past midnight. It was really pathetic actually, to get the chills over such video, it made me a total coward. But who to blame that I have fucking brilliant memory and a mind that wouldn't stop spinning.

I have no problems staying up late actually. I'm fucking addicted to it. But that was usually holidays. I'm pretty much disciplined about sleep time during school days. But now thanks to that video, I started to have insomnia. I have school tomorrow at 7 yet here am I typing this at fucking 3 in the morning. 

So disrupted and disturbed that I couldn't even play games the whole night till dawn like I always do during holidays. And every second of the night seemed to be torturing me mentally to the max. I'm a night person, I've always preferred night than day. I'm not so sure about that
now.

I felt like I'm fucking twelve again, or even when I was 16, where I even need to sleep in the same room with my parents to quell the unknown fear that overwhelmed me completely. Well for the 16 yo case is Conjuring. That movie it's not really scary, I must admit, but the scenes were imprinted in my mind far too much clearly. I went two weeks paranoid after that. That my body almost failed me for not having enough sleep to recover.

I couldn't even close my eyes. Everytime I do so I felt so vulnerable, so defenceless that I won't be able to react quickly to save my life. I'm not afraid of ghosts, hell
I would even fight them heads on, but not with hide and seek being the main event. I hated to be vulnerable. It's like I can't defend myself and which is why I couldn't let myself to sleep.

Even at the age of 17, I had slight paranoia. Everytime I woke up I felt lucky that my heart didn't fail me and decided to stop beating when I was asleep. Felt lucky that no one stabbed a blade at the back of my neck or head. Felt lucky that no one tried to poison me when I'm having a drink. I know it sounds stupid. I felt too myself. But I couldn't control my mind. It spun so much that it hurts sometimes. Sometimes I just wanted to be a forgetful person, be a stupid one and live without worries instead of being intelligent and thinking of every possible outcomes of event in an infinite compilation. It's so tiring. I want to sleep.
Sometimes I even wanted to sleep forever, to never wake up again to this fucking shit world, but my mind is intelligent enough for that. 18 years of life is too much to waste. I've come this far and I'm not going to throw it away like a rag doll or something. Life sucks. It's a fucking liability to live. What do I live for?

I'm straying away from the main topic. I hated myself to be fucking paranoid. Like just now I heard something in the kitchen, and I heard the swing of the door. Don't tell me I can never hear those in my room - I have rabbit ears. It seems normal, but I didn't feel that way. That familiar sensation of my heart being in midair was caused by the unknown fear. So pathetic, so fucking pathetic that I even need my father's occasional cough in his sleep to calm my heart down. Seriously that's a fucking weak act. I would kill myself in dignity.

Every night all I could do is tired myself out. Like yesterday I slept at 5.15 and woke up at 6 to get ready for school. Needless to say I slept in class, but I've never slept any better than at home. At least I felt a little bit more secured when my classmates are around. Except if they sabotage me and suddenly pull a blade on me.

I knew I couldn't continue life like this.  My body will fail sooner or later due to lack of recovery sleep. I couldn't go back to 16 yo and sleep with my parents, not when they are now sleeping seperately in different rooms because they were like fire and ice. Not when I have too much pride and ego to do that. I'm used to suffer alone so I don't think I would have problems. Well I was rarely wrong, but undeniably I was about overcoming this paranoia.

Every night is a fucking torture. I used to say the night is beautiful, the night is the calmest. Now fuck that, the night is shit. I distracted myself with my phone, and tired myself out looking at 9gag or reading articles. Occasionally something that looked or sounded very much like paranormal but was later confirmed normal with my intelligent mind. I considered rearing a cat to ease myself, or maybe helps me to quell those fears when the cat sits on top of my head. But I did rather not let my heart dangling in the air, afraid of failing to death if the cat ever acted abnormally due to paranormal activities.

I made myself a coward. Thought from my looks I'm not. What you see is not what you see. How ironic that it slaps me right in the face since that's what basically overrides my fears right now. Then again what you see is not what you see. Or maybe the better phrase is there's more than meets the eye. I may sounded coward but I'm not. I'm brave enough to protect the ones I love and to maintain my life in check. I'm brave enough to fight heads on even with my worst fear if my loved ones ever be in danger because of it.

45 minutes of typing, and I'm still awake. I dare not sleep. Not until I couldn't control my body and let it shut down completely and rest for maximum one hour. I never take naps because it only further jeopardise my sleep at night. So yeah I'm basically dying right now. I would like to see which night my heart would fail me and I'd never be able to see the next day. And one more thing to whoever that is reading this - watch suicidemouse.avi at your own risk. If you knew me, then you should behold of the consequences since it fucked me up so badly. Those who watched before I don't care. Those who don't know me and don't even know what it is, Google it. I'm not going to talk about it that much anymore. I'm starting to think that the word is jinxed and I'll have mickey with that face hovering over me in my sleep. I sincerely hope that won't happen.

Night Love

M - Male Voice
F - Female Voice

M - You said you don't love me, after all this years of being together, you really broke me
F - I said I don't love you, after all this years of being together, I really broke you

M - You're not even sorry for it, I can see in your eyes, the once love is gone, and there's only sadness
F - I said I was sorry for it, you just never listened, The once love is gone

M & F - But is there really nothing we can do to make our love to present again

M & F - Cuz I do really love you, I don't want wanna lose you, I don't wanna spend the night alone
M - Even when the lights are off
F - I can still feel my tears flow
M & F - And I know that you're the reason that I cried every night

M & F - Cuz I just wanna love you, I just wanna kiss you, I just wanna hold you in my arms
M - After all the lonely nights
F - After all this bad times
M & F - I finally know the truth that laid underneath of my heart, I still love you

~piano solo~

M - You said you're sorry, after all this times of leaving me, you really shocked me
F - I said I was sorry, after all this times of leaving you, I really shocked you

M - I know you're sincere for it, I can see in your eyes, the once love is back, and there's only joy
F - I poured my heart into it, I said I still love you, the once love is back,

M & F - And our love just blossom underneath the crystal clear moonlight we had always loved

M & F - Cuz I do really love you, I don't want wanna lose you, I don't wanna spend the night alone
M - Even when the lights are off
F - I can still feel my tears flow
M & F - But I know now I will never be alone again

M & F - Cuz I just wanna love you, I just wanna kiss you, I just wanna hold you in my arms
M - I will never cry again
F - Not with you beside me
M & F - And we know we will never make the same mistake again, of losing you

M - When the night comes, I will tell you I

M & F -Love you

Creation:
Melody - Totentanz
Piano - Totentanz
Violin - Totentanz
Percussion - Totentanz
Lyrics - Totentanz

Written at 3-5-2015

Darkness

All along mulling in darkness doesn't give me nothing. Light is a decieve and I knew it. The moment light enters the room it gave a useless sign of hope. A hope that everyone clings to and stupidly believe it will help them.

Darkness is all I needed. There's no idiotic things like in light. There's no pestering speeches of people thinking they are wise enough to change me. As light only blocks your way to your goal, darkness sought the path to it clearly.

I didn't swim in the darkness to be satanic or whatsoever. In the darkness doesn't mean to be doing what darkness wants. It is a place where I found myself better lived in light. Although my name has the word light in it, I don't like it. I am dark.

Black has always my favourite colour. Dark is basically black. So it goes along. Some people may think I am crazy or this guy is satanic but really, shut the fuck up when you knew nothing about me. You don't even scratch the surface.  Even if you tried I will resist. No one will ever understand me.

As if people really intended to save you. They saved you for you to do something better for them. Life has been such worthless thing to do. Lounging around solving problems that somehow blamed on you. Walking around like it's the best feeling in the world. But fuck that if I were to choose I will choose not to exist.

What for to exist in this kind of shit? I'm complaining and I'm angry that I couldn't change it. Even if I could it has been too late. That change should be done when I was little. Extinction would be easier. Now it's been so long and I'm so grown up like people said, I couldn't extinct. There is work for me to do.

Anyone who said they know they understand me are lying. Those who think they can help me with words are lying. In this super realistic world, no ones helping without looking out for themselves. Selfishness overpowered the real intention. Just like me, overpowered by darkness.

I didn't resist. I welcomed it. Because I know living in light will be much worse than in darkness. Darkness is quiet, silent. Perfect for me. Light will just fire things up and cause blaze to your heart. Darkness is cold, cool and calm. It is what my heart needed.

Don't tell me what to do. Don't act like you know what you are doing. I know what you are doing and you don't know what you are doing. My mind is intelligent enough to tell me that.

Everyone is like everyone else. I am my only own. My only true self. No one will ever know what I thought and how I feel. Darkness will fend them off for me.

Leave me alone in the darkness. Stop trying to pull me into the light. I'm tired of this. I'd rather go to hell than heaven. To suffer what I did for my last life not to enjoy what I didn't accomplish in heaven. If anyone will tell me what to do it will be my mind, no one else.

Remembering...

Being humorous is one of my personality. Even though there are two minds, but both of them have humor sense. So friends around me always laugh when I'm around, because I'm crap talking. That is something that I do whole-heartily, which wasn't my mask effect. I always try to make the atmosphere bright and light, even though I'm a silent man. Making people happy is easy, but making myself it's like never at all.

The only times when I'm truly happy is when I play with my favorite rabbit Blackie. Blackie is different from many other rabbits, although my other two rabbits, Whitey and Brownie was also quite special. I bought him at Taman Megah's pet shop, noticing that Blackie looked different from the others, and was looking at me. I urged my mother to buy him, but she refused at first. When I saw one child is going to pick him, I rushed forward and told her that Blackie is mine. My mother lost to my persistance and finally resigned and bought him.

Blackie recognizes my appearance and voice. Whenever I call him his ears would perk up and he would stand up facing me with his cute confused face. Whenever I let him out of his cage, he would climb onto my thighs and paw at me before going for his free walk around. Blackie was just an ordinary mixed bunny, but to me he is special. He's far more beautiful than any other rabbits I've seen, including a RM 783 Mexican bunny which looked quite beautiful but still lose to my Blackie. He had perfect black rings drawn nicely around his eyes, and a stripe of black which splatters slightly down his back. He was very energetic, and likes to do binkies whenever he runs. He's just so cute that even family fights dissipates at his cute actions.

He once broke his leg when trying to jump down from his cage, which my silly second sister put him on it. I still remembered that moment very well... His eyes bulging and if he could make sounds he would probably be screaming by now. I cried for the first time after 5 years of being tough and I broke down completely. Thank god my second sister was there and she did all the procedure of admitting Blackie into an animal hospital. During the operation I was silently crying all the time, even though I've already trained myself not to show my emotions. Finally when the operation was done and the vet said that Blackie was fine, I rushed into the ward room and looked for Blackie. He was still in shock, but was in no harm. He looked so pitiful and at the sight I couldn't help but cried for the hundredth time.

After two months of complete rest, Blackie recovered. He was still energetic and cute. My sisters also became more affectionate towards him. I'm the happiest, of course, and play with him everyday after school. I thank the heavens for saving Blackie and decorating my dark life with some lights.

 After some time Brownie was suddenly pregnant, and bore seven little baby bunnies. We were in a mess, since we don't know how to do. Then, we resolved into putting those baby bunnies into a box laid with soft clothes inside. We couldn't let them live with Brownie because she would accidentally step on them, thus ending their lives. My mother bought several packet of animal milk that was used for feeding baby animals and a mini bottle that was suitable to feed the baby bunnies. I transformed into a milking daddy afterwards, feeding them thrice a day and used up an hour when feeding them. With my infinite endurance and patience, the bunnies grown up quickly into cute little bunnies. My sisters were thrilled at that, and played with them, neglecting the other three adult rabbits. Only my father and I took notice of them. The seven bunnies were ( according to birthing time) Diamond, Crystal ( Snow White ), Silver, Snoopy, Grey ( 全灰), Poker-dot and Donkey. They were all very energetic, just like their father, Blackie. Yes, Blackie was their father. The proof is there's once when my second sister was outside, my elder sister in the toilet and I was busy studying for PMR, Brownie and Blackie actually came out from their cages and did " that". It was in a matter of minutes, we didn't expect Brownie got pregnant. From them I like Crystal the most, because of her beautiful eyes and her features was just like a Princess. Plus she was completely like her father, with rings around her eyes and s stripe down her back, only the patterns' color like her mother, light brown. She was only the size of my palm, very tiny and cute.

The moments pass by very quickly, though we enjoyed it. When the bunnies started to grow bigger, my mother decided to give them to other people. I resisted, but had to give in for the lack of cages in our home. So I started looking for caring and loving owners, including my friends. But none of them were, or they already have a pet at home. Luckily there's a lady from the recycling society saw the bunnies at asked my mother about them. She then took away Silver and Donkey, but Donkey passed away after several weeks. She send my mother a picture of Silver, which he looked healthy and happy. Seeing that there's nobody wants to take care of them, my mother sent them to a pet shop. After that there's no news of them. I then return my full attention to Blackie.

I thought Blackie would stay with me forever, but he didn't. My mother, who also likes Blackie very much, insisted to send Blackie to a rabbit farm at Bukit Tinggi, Pahang after sending the little bunnies. I was infuriated at that, but keep my posture calm and tried to talk with her. Her excuses were unconvincing, persisting that if we keep the rabbits any longer their fur would cause damage to our lungs. My excuses were since we like him, no, should be love him that much we should take care of him for the rest of his life! More over we spent RM 1000 plus to save Blackie, we shouldn't just dump him there like that! But old people were too stubborn to listen. They turn deaf whenever we win over them in the discussion. I almost stormed out of the house, wanting to crush open the door, including the gate outside. I wanted to smashed everything that blocks in my way. Why old people was just so stupid at these things? If it is really love, then we should keep Blackie, even though there's a risk of getting lung cancer. There's many other ways to prevent us from inhaling much of their fur, but if we send them there we don't know how are they going to live there, and are they going to suit themselves at the rapid changing weather there? My father was even worse. He didn't even care, even though he likes Blackie very much also. My sisters cried and pleaded, but my mother was too hard-headed. I wanted to knock some senses into her head, telling her that we should keep Blackie if we love him, not send him away.

Nevertheless, to keep this family in pieces, I have to send him to Bukit Tinggi. I don't want this family to break apart, just like last time that we nearly broke apart. If I straightaway storm out of the house, the family would be in broken pieces. When I handed him to the farm keeper Abang Saifuddin, I dropped several tears silently. Seeing Blackie looking around innocently and trying to get close to me I can't hold out any longer. I cried. My sisters, who was bringing Whitey and Brownie, also cried when they handed over the two rabbits. My mother also shed tears, but I ignored her completely. I didn't speak to her heartily for a long time.

It was proved to be a wrong move. Not long after we sent them there, Abang Saifuddin called us to inform that Blackie was infected by diarrhea, a disease that could kill rabbits. Hearing that we immediately rushed there and request for Blackie's condition. Too bad he's very weak, and his genitals was covered in faeces. My sisters cried at the sight, and I felt my eyes watering. I stroked him gently, praying to god to save him one more time. But god doesn't want to give him a chance. Just after the day we visited him, Blackie passed away. We went there on the third day after visiting to take him back after my earth-wrecking argument with my mother only to be told by Abang Saifuddin that Blackie died. My sisters burst into tears immediately, my mother was shocked to tears, and I, who have swore to keep my expressions invisible, failed and start falling tears. I went over to a cut-down log and sat on it. My mother keep on ranting about her regret and remorse, but I was not listening. Gone. My only source of happiness was gone. I wanted to shout at my mother to tell her everything was too late. I hate her for that moment. But after some time, I calmed down and schooled my face into nothing. I didn't speak for the whole journey back to home, and my face expressionless. My sisters were still crying when we entered the house, my mother looking regretful and I went in without any word. For the whole week I became ice cold, ignoring people and not talking. I will never ever let anything that I love get sent away again. Never.

After that my whole personality change, even though I looked the same. Normally I would be energetic like Blackie, acting childish and being the happy one. But after that I became cool and cold hearted, just like my second mind. This personality suits my second mind well, and it keep on activating and making me hurting many other people. Then, I decided to change a little bit, to became more friendly when anyone was around. But whenever I'm alone, I would turn back into the silent, cold hearted ice man. The mask that I had wore since standard 1 became thicker and no one was able to see through me. No one in this world. Even Volden had only saw a quarter of it.

On March, Abang Saifuddin called to inform that Whitey also passed away. Whitey was another energetic one, even though she's female. She's quite aggressive, but funny at the same time. She would do binkies whenever she runs, just like Blackie, and she likes to sleep alot. She's very lazy, but when she runs she can run very fast. She also can jump very high, once she jumped onto the cabinet, which was several inches lower than my waist. She's a bossy rabbit, she likes to snatch other rabbits' food. When I received the news I kept my posture calm, but my heart was torn again. Again I felt the hatred towards my mother, but I died it down immediately. I am not that childish anymore. My second sister, who loves Whitey more than Blackie, also kept calm but I can see that she's bleeding inside. We all were very sad. I tried to convince my mother to bring Brownie back to avoid her from getting taken away from god but she gave me an excuse which is we don't have anymore cages. I didn't ask her anymore, because I'm tired of it. Tired of trying to save everything that I couldn't save. Who am I? Superman? Hn. Seriously, I don't care anymore.

These three rabbits had decorated my life with some wonderful lights, and it will always be there. Especially Blackie, I would never forget him. Now I had taken a liking to rabbits, especially when one of them looks like Blackie. I'm sure that I will find another rabbit that looks like Blackie as a pet, I don't care about my mother's obstruction any more. I won't be defeated that easily.

A song created by me. ~ Return to Home~

You ran out screaming
and I just standing in my room

You ran off like crazy
but I just stayed calm

You tried to blame me
and I don't deny it

You tried to leave me
But I won't let you

So let's return to home
I know it difficult but still it's our home sweet home
So let's just return to home
I don't wanna lie to you and I'll just say
I love you

You came back scolding
and I kept myself silent

You came back raging like a monster
but I tamed you

You said you regret
but I stop what you're thinking

You said that you love me
and that's all what I needed

So let's just return to home
I know it's difficult but still it's our home sweet home
So let's just return to home
I don't wanna lie to you and I'll just say
I love you

Maybe I shouldn't have
argue with you
Or maybe I shouldn't even have
to runaway from you

So let's just return to home
I know it's difficult but still it's our home sweet home
So let's just return to home
I don't wanna lie to you and I'll just say
I love you

I love you

Sky Angel

Corresponding to the weather outside, my heart was just so painful. Hurtful words cannot express my feelings, nor melancholy words could. I feel so weak, so vulnerable when you left me. I couldn't believe my eyes. Maybe I shouldn't have dived into this unbreakable love whirlpool of yours, that constantly spins me around, flying me to paradise, freezing all the happy memories.

I guess that you left me for good, huh? Well let me tell you, it doesn't. I know I've been wrong all the times, and I knew that this time, you're not here anymore to forgive me. I wonder what it's like, leaving the world behind. Maybe I should've followed you, I don't know. You're the will for me to live, without you, I'm a useless man of the night. When eclipse occurs you're always there to support me. I don't know what should do now. Maybe kill myself? No, that's not what you want. You want me to live without you. Can I?

Walking back to my piano room that you're so enthusiastic with, I settled down to my white Sky Angle piano. You've said once that you liked this piano very much because of it's melancholy melody that suits my personality perfectly. Seems like you'll never be able to hear it anymore. Now that you're gone, my will to live is weak. If  I can play the most melancholy song -- Midnight Sonata perfectly, then I'll live. If not, I'll die.


Putting my fingers on the piano lightly, I drew a deep breath. Following my memory's lead, my fingers dances on the piano keys, so swiftly and so elegantly, as you said. The repeating melody that was used to create this song was so beautiful, as you said. Sky Angel sings with it's melancholy melody, so melancholy until you will cry. As the song goes on, my heart continues to beat steadily. As I thought I could forget about you, I could let go of everything, my fingers stopped at the last note. My heartbeat fades away, my body crumples to the ground. An odd ringing is in my ears, and memories of you with me appears in my mind like a slideshow.

I breathed for the last time, and closed my eyes. My soul leaves my body, and Sky Angel stood beside my body, melancholy as ever.