Paranoia / Paranoid

Fucking paranoia. Fucking paranoid. Fuck my mind to have such fucking brilliant memory. I seriously hoped I could just wipe off whatever memory that fucks me up whenever I tried to sleep.

I knew I shouldn't have watched that forsaken suicidemouse.avi. Kind of regret to not listening to whatever Kin said. Though he said it just gives the creeps, and I didn't bother to care whether he was lying or not. Well, to me it was hell after then.  

Now I'm freaking paranoid that I couldn't even sleep and even feel at ease. Edgy, recoiled and pathetic I am everytime the clock struck past midnight. It was really pathetic actually, to get the chills over such video, it made me a total coward. But who to blame that I have fucking brilliant memory and a mind that wouldn't stop spinning.

I have no problems staying up late actually. I'm fucking addicted to it. But that was usually holidays. I'm pretty much disciplined about sleep time during school days. But now thanks to that video, I started to have insomnia. I have school tomorrow at 7 yet here am I typing this at fucking 3 in the morning. 

So disrupted and disturbed that I couldn't even play games the whole night till dawn like I always do during holidays. And every second of the night seemed to be torturing me mentally to the max. I'm a night person, I've always preferred night than day. I'm not so sure about that
now.

I felt like I'm fucking twelve again, or even when I was 16, where I even need to sleep in the same room with my parents to quell the unknown fear that overwhelmed me completely. Well for the 16 yo case is Conjuring. That movie it's not really scary, I must admit, but the scenes were imprinted in my mind far too much clearly. I went two weeks paranoid after that. That my body almost failed me for not having enough sleep to recover.

I couldn't even close my eyes. Everytime I do so I felt so vulnerable, so defenceless that I won't be able to react quickly to save my life. I'm not afraid of ghosts, hell
I would even fight them heads on, but not with hide and seek being the main event. I hated to be vulnerable. It's like I can't defend myself and which is why I couldn't let myself to sleep.

Even at the age of 17, I had slight paranoia. Everytime I woke up I felt lucky that my heart didn't fail me and decided to stop beating when I was asleep. Felt lucky that no one stabbed a blade at the back of my neck or head. Felt lucky that no one tried to poison me when I'm having a drink. I know it sounds stupid. I felt too myself. But I couldn't control my mind. It spun so much that it hurts sometimes. Sometimes I just wanted to be a forgetful person, be a stupid one and live without worries instead of being intelligent and thinking of every possible outcomes of event in an infinite compilation. It's so tiring. I want to sleep.
Sometimes I even wanted to sleep forever, to never wake up again to this fucking shit world, but my mind is intelligent enough for that. 18 years of life is too much to waste. I've come this far and I'm not going to throw it away like a rag doll or something. Life sucks. It's a fucking liability to live. What do I live for?

I'm straying away from the main topic. I hated myself to be fucking paranoid. Like just now I heard something in the kitchen, and I heard the swing of the door. Don't tell me I can never hear those in my room - I have rabbit ears. It seems normal, but I didn't feel that way. That familiar sensation of my heart being in midair was caused by the unknown fear. So pathetic, so fucking pathetic that I even need my father's occasional cough in his sleep to calm my heart down. Seriously that's a fucking weak act. I would kill myself in dignity.

Every night all I could do is tired myself out. Like yesterday I slept at 5.15 and woke up at 6 to get ready for school. Needless to say I slept in class, but I've never slept any better than at home. At least I felt a little bit more secured when my classmates are around. Except if they sabotage me and suddenly pull a blade on me.

I knew I couldn't continue life like this.  My body will fail sooner or later due to lack of recovery sleep. I couldn't go back to 16 yo and sleep with my parents, not when they are now sleeping seperately in different rooms because they were like fire and ice. Not when I have too much pride and ego to do that. I'm used to suffer alone so I don't think I would have problems. Well I was rarely wrong, but undeniably I was about overcoming this paranoia.

Every night is a fucking torture. I used to say the night is beautiful, the night is the calmest. Now fuck that, the night is shit. I distracted myself with my phone, and tired myself out looking at 9gag or reading articles. Occasionally something that looked or sounded very much like paranormal but was later confirmed normal with my intelligent mind. I considered rearing a cat to ease myself, or maybe helps me to quell those fears when the cat sits on top of my head. But I did rather not let my heart dangling in the air, afraid of failing to death if the cat ever acted abnormally due to paranormal activities.

I made myself a coward. Thought from my looks I'm not. What you see is not what you see. How ironic that it slaps me right in the face since that's what basically overrides my fears right now. Then again what you see is not what you see. Or maybe the better phrase is there's more than meets the eye. I may sounded coward but I'm not. I'm brave enough to protect the ones I love and to maintain my life in check. I'm brave enough to fight heads on even with my worst fear if my loved ones ever be in danger because of it.

45 minutes of typing, and I'm still awake. I dare not sleep. Not until I couldn't control my body and let it shut down completely and rest for maximum one hour. I never take naps because it only further jeopardise my sleep at night. So yeah I'm basically dying right now. I would like to see which night my heart would fail me and I'd never be able to see the next day. And one more thing to whoever that is reading this - watch suicidemouse.avi at your own risk. If you knew me, then you should behold of the consequences since it fucked me up so badly. Those who watched before I don't care. Those who don't know me and don't even know what it is, Google it. I'm not going to talk about it that much anymore. I'm starting to think that the word is jinxed and I'll have mickey with that face hovering over me in my sleep. I sincerely hope that won't happen.